Numb
by vp1819
Summary: When Will's attemps to free himself fail, he falls into the arms of another curse. Will Jem, his parabatai, be enough to save him from himself? eating disorder
1. Chapter 1

**_I do not own Infernal devices or any of Cassandra Clare's work._**

**_This story can be triggering as it touches the subject of eating disorder. You have been warned. _**

**_Please be mind-full_****_ that this is my first story and that english is not my first language. _**

**_Enjoy!_**

_This story takes place in the middle of The Clockwork Prince._

Will has just come back from yet another failed attempt at finding the demon that killed his sister and cursed him into a life of loneliness. He walks down the streets of London with his head down, not in the mood for altercations. To be fair, he understands that «_it was a blue demon»_, isn't a lot to go on, and he _is _grateful that Magnus is helping him in exchange for almost nothing, but he his starting to get really feed up with this whole deal. Waking up in the middle of the night, running back and fort between Magnus's place and the institute, making up crazy stories as to not raise suspicion from Jem and the other, and worst of all, always presenting himself in the worst way, making the others believe that he is incapable of kindness, never letting anyone in.

With those thoughts in the back of his mind, Will gets back to his room, most importantly to his bed, with only an hour to spare before breakfast is served.

Jem is seated at the dining room table, making small talk with Jessamine, wondering when will Will arrive and save him from the self-absorbed gibberish that is Jessamine's description of her week-end. Time past, Jessamine goes off to do whatever it is she does every day, Charlotte and Henry come and go, but still no sign of Jem's parabatai. Still, Jem waits, since Will never misses breakfast. In fact, he never misses anything, except patience. He is always on time for everything, never sleeps in, always polite with strangers and always crude and harsh with the people he lives with. Jem has noticed that his friend has been more tired them usual, and more irritable, but since he had brushed it off when Jem had asked about it, the later hadn't insisted, deciding that if something was up, his best friend would tell him. This was the first slip in the perfect façade Jem knew Will tried to maintain at all times. When Bridgit comes and cleans everything, Jem decides to go and look for Will.

He first looks in the training room, Will refuge when something bothers him. When he doesn't find him there, he heads to the library, and so on and so forth, until he decides that, maybe this time he did sleep in, and checks his room. When he opens the door, he finds Will, deep asleep. He thinks of a snide remark to wake him up, but the words are held back, when he notices how peaceful he looks in his sleep. Peaceful isn't a word you can often use to describe Will. Strong, fearless, ambitious, yes. But peaceful… This boy always seems to be hiding a dark secret, holding him back from the blissful happiness that he so deserves.

Even though he hadn't intended to wake him up, Jem is struck by a sudden fit of coughing. In a matter of seconds, Will is up and by his side, holding him up and rubbing his back, helping him through yet another of his endless fits. When it passes, Jem begins to question Will about the late morning, but the institute's bells go off, and the boys start running to the front door. Charlotte meets them there, and she informs them that there has been a demon attack two blocks away from the institute. They get their weapons and go off.

Sorting out the demon ends up taking most of their day, and they come back to the institute just in time for dinner. They get cleaned up and seated, when Will receives a fire message. _«I've got another one». _He tries not to get his hopes up, excuses himself with a disgraceful comment about how the food is horrible and he would be heading out to drown his memories of it in one of London's most disgusting bars, and heads out.

Will is back in his bead. Yet another unsuccessful attempt at breaking the curse. It is getting urgent. Today, before he left, he noticed the worry in Charlotte's eyes. Since he doesn't want anything to happen to her, he has to break the curse soon, or find yet another way to hurt the ones he loves.

Has his thoughts keep him from sleeping, Will realizes that he hasn't eaten anything since the night before, but he welcomes the hunger, a pleasant distraction from the constant emotional agony he lives in.

When he awakes, Will decides to not go down for breakfast. He has decided on his new strategy to keep the ones he has come to think of has his family, alive and well. He will try to make them forget about him. If they don't see him, they don't think about him. If they don't think about him, they can't love him, henceforth, they won't get affected by his curse.

His curse is his to bear alone. If he can't have control over it, he will have control over everything else in his life.

To avoid questions, he goes for a run in the city, only coming back after lunch to keep an eye on Tessa's training with the Lightwood boy, keeping to the shadows has to not bee seen. Of course, he knows that he would have to come up with tons of excuses has to not get Jem to worry, but the safety of everyone was well worth it.

It's been two weeks since Will and Jem have gone to their last hunt together. Of course, Jem can tell that something is up with his parabatai, but every time he asks questions has to why he is never there at meal times, or why he goes on runs all the time and seams to never be at the institute anymore, he always get a sophisticated answer explaining exactly what Will has been up to. Then again, he can tell that what he gets told are really good lies, but he can't find a single misstep in Will's charades. In the rare occasions he has seen his friend in the last weeks, usually when he comes to make sure that he has and his taking enough of his _medicine, _Jem has noticed that the dark circle under his eyes are getting bigger, and that his cheek bones are getting more prominent. He his getting worried, but has Will keeps acting as if everything is normal and fine, he doesn't push the matter.

Lost in his thoughts, he almost doesn't ear the ringing of the bells that announce yet another demon attack. Finally! He hates to admit it, but he was starting to go crazy, alone in the institute, without his best friend to keep him company.

Like they always do, they meet at the front door, awaiting Charlotte's instructions.

This time, it's a rogue vampire on a killing spree. Easy and routine for the boys, who head off without a single thought on the matter.

They run all the way there, a 20-minute run, nothing for a Shadowhunter. But when they arrive, Jem notices that Will is quite out of breath. The thought is quickly brushed off, when the vampire jumps on Will's back. Usually, Will would take care of it in the time it took the beast to realize what was going on, but this time, he struggles for a bit, not able to shake of the monster. Jem steps in and kills the blood sucker in a fraction of a second, while casting a questioning glance at Will. Will doesn't respond, and after making sure that no muggle saw them, they head back for the institute.

They have been running for five minutes, when Will falls to the ground. Jem stops and hurries over to his friend, not sure what just happened.

\- _Hey, Will, are you alright? _Jem asks, a worried expression on his face

\- _Yeah, just give me a second there_. Will replies in between pants.

Jem doesn't say anything, but take the time to observe his friend, making sure that the vampire didn't hurt him more then they both thought. He looks fine, except… has he lost weight?

His thoughts are cut off and the boys start running again. When they get back to the institute, they both go to their rooms to shower and change. Jem then goes down to dinner, but is never joined by his friend.

Will stands in front of the mirror. He just got out of the shower and caught a glance of himself, making him do a double take. He didn't remember his body looking like _that. _Of course, he has never really given a second thought to the way his body looked before. He knew he was fit, but it was always about being strong enough to survive on the battle field. Now, as he looked at himself, he could see the bones under his skin. His collar bones were sticking out more than usual, but the most noticeable were his ribs. He could count every single one of them. He didn't really know what to make of that.

At first, he was surprised by the changes, but he guessed that, skipping meals would do that to his body. He didn't really mind. If that was the price to pay to keep the ones he loved safe, then he was glad to pay it. Plus, he quite liked the hunger. When his thoughts were consumed by it, he didn't have to think about all the things that made his life a living hell.

After the shock of seeing himself, he quickly got change and into bed, has to avoid any questions, but made a mental note to consume enough food as to not repeat what happened today. HE was supposed to be the one taking care of his parabatai, not the other way around.

As the weeks went by, Will ended up not going on hunts anymore. He realized that he didn't have the strength to battle demons, and even thought it killed him to leave Jem alone, he realized that his friend was better off without him. Jem had been his only saving grace, being already domed. But Will was now strong enough to push him away too. He wouldn't take away a single second of Jem's precious life.

Will would only ever get out of his room to get Jem's medicine. He didn't bother checking in with Magnus anymore, having come to terms with the fact that he would never be free of his curse, and that was just something that he needed to get used to. He was slowly but surely fading away.

What at first had only been a realization of the facts, seeing his body diminished, had become an obsession. It was another way to make himself forgot by the other. If he took up less space in the physical world, surely, he would occupy less of their mind space, keeping them safer.

He didn't bother to keep appearances anymore. They all left him alone, since every time one of them had tried to come and talk to him, he had turned them around with the most cruel and vile words he could conjure. They all slowly abandoned, except for Jem. Jem knew him the best, and had learned long ago to ignore his friend's crude remarks. Every day he would come by, talking through the closed door when Will had resorted to not even letting him in. It was like living with a memory. Long gone were the times they would train together, laugh together, live together. Now, Jem was having long monologues, trying to convince his friend to let him in. To let him help with whatever he was going through.

But Will couldn't open the door. If he would, Jem would inevitably notice that something was different with his parabatai. Of course, he already knew something was off, cause as Will was getting weaker by the days, so was their parabatai bond. That only increased Jem's desire to get in. He knew his friend was hurting, that something was immensely wrong with him, but he couldn't do anything about it.

That afternoon, Jem was at his usual spot, outside Will's room, when he grew more and more restless. He usually got at least a grunt or a snide remark asking him to be left alone, but today, nothing. Not a single sign of life on the other side of that damned door. He knew his friend to be still alive. Their bond was weak yes, but still there none the less. After about an hour of banging on the door and asking for an answer, he finally took his stele out, and drew a rune to unlock the door. He had immense respect for Will, and that's why he didn't do that before, deciding that he could never help him if he broke his trust by going directly against his will. But the silence was getting too much. He needed to know that his parabatai was at least ok.

As he stepped through the door, he was shocked by the sight at his feet. Will was there, laying on the floor unconscious.

_**Please review! I will upload the next chapter if I see that some of you are interested! Hope I didn't waste your time ;)**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Hello again! Thanks for the kind reviews!**_

_**Again, be careful, this chapter can be triggering as it talks about eating disorder and suicide ideation. You have been warned!/em/span/strong/p**_

_**I do not own the Infernal device**_

_**Enjoy!**_

_As he stepped through the door, he was shocked by the sight at his feet. Will was there, laying on the floor unconscious._

After he got over the initial shock, he hurried over to his friend. He quickly drew an iratze, hoping it would fix whatever was wrong with will, but the rune stayed pitched black on his skin, not being used to fix any physical injury. At a loss for what to do, Jem picked Will in his arms and carried him to the bed.

He normally would never have been able to do that, Will having a strong built and himself being weakened by his condition. But Will wasn't in his normal shape. He was so… light.  
Brushing that off, Jem decided to look for injuries that an iratze couldn't take care of. Something demonic or what else. But as he stripped his parabatai of his baggy sweater and pants, he couldn't ignore it anymore. Will wasn't injured, he didn't need iratzes or the silent brothers to mend his wounds.  
As Jem revealed his body to look him over, he didn't recognize the boy in front of him. His knees looked too big for his legs. His hipbones looked like they would cut through his skin at any moment. His ribs were protruding out. His collarbones looked sharp. But worst of all was his face. Were you used to see a youthful boy, eyes filled with malice and cunning intelligence, you only saw his emaciated features. He looked so fragile, like any sudden movement would break his bones.  
Jem couldn't understand what had driven his friend to that sort of extreme, but right there, he promise himself that he would do anything in his power to help his parabatai get through it.  
pFor now, all he could do was draw a nourishment rune on Will and hope it would be enough to get his friend through the night and the next day, which promised to both prove themselves hard on everyone involved.  
Jem just sat beside his parabatai's bed, watching over him, preparing himself for the days to come.

Jem knew that Will wouldn't want anyone else involved, so when morning came, he quickly made up an excuse as to why both boys would have to stay inside and not be disturbed until it was said otherwise.  
When Will woke up, he didn't open his eyes. He could sense Jem close to him.

\- _«Shit…» _Was the first word on his lips.

This was enough to get Jem's attention.

\- _«Good morning Will. » _Was all he said

They both went back to silence, daring the other to speak first. After what seem like an eternity, but was probably more like five minutes, Will started again.

\- _« So… Aren't you going to ask me a bunch of question? Aren't you going to ask me how I am doing? » _He snarled; his voice full of sarcasm.

\- _« No. You obviously are doing awful, no need to ask and no need for you to deny it. The only thing I will ask is: why? » _Jem replied, keeping his voice calm and steady, not letting Will's sarcasm get to him.

Will didn't answer. How could he. He was always revolted by the idea of lying to Jem. He desired to tell him the truth above all else, but he couldn't. If he did and asked Jem to keep his secret with him, he was sure he would. But he was also certain that it would hurt him even more. Seeing his friend hurt his family on purpose, understanding why, but not being able to do anything about it. No. This way was better. Right now, the only one getting hurt was him, and it was all the better like that.

\- _« Does it really matter? » _Was all he could come up with.

\- _« It depends. Will you start eating again? » _Jem asked.

Will didn't answer that either. Was his curse the reason he didn't eat anymore? He guessed so, as the hunger was now his only relief from his thoughts and his hurt. Also, in the long hours he had spend, hiding alone in his room, trying to cut out Jem's incessant attempts to get him to come out, he had come to the realization that, his family, the ones he loved, his parabatai, would all be better off without him. He taught he had found the perfect solution to his problems. If he was dead, the curse would be broken, his family would be safe. He knew that not eating would end up killing him, and embraced that fact, as he would die overtaken by hunger, not thinking about his despair.

\- _« Does it really matter? » _Will answered with a crooked smile.

Jem was taken aback. He knew his friend was going through something. That he had had a dark secret weighing down on his shoulders from the day they met. That he was sad and isolating himself because of it. But what he hadn't realized was how far gone he was. Never he would have thought that the strong Shadowhunter William Herondale could get so low. That he could think _he himself _didn't matter.

_**Thats it for now! I am sorry this chapter is so short, but the next will come out soon!**_  
_**Again, I love when you review and I am absolutely open to constructive criticism, as English is not my first language and this is my first story. ;)**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Hello again! As always, this chapter might trigger you, as it touches the subject of eating disorder. **_

_**I do not own Infernal devices, as I am not Cassandra Clare. **_

_**Enjoy!**_

Jem was taken aback. He knew his friend was going through something. That he had had a dark secret weighing down on his shoulders from the day they met. That he was sad and isolating himself because of it. But what he hadn't realized was how far gone he was. Never he would have thought that the strong Shadowhunter William Herondale could get so low. That he could think _he himself _didn't matter.

-_« Does it matter to you that I take my medicine? » _Jem asked, trying for another path.

-_«That's not the same…» _Will replied, anger giving an edge to his voice.

-_«How so? » Jem asked_

-_«You __**need**__your medicine in order to live. » _Will spit out, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

-_«And is it not the same for you? Does the great Will Herondale not need food in order to survive? » _Jem replied, pointing out the flaw in his friend's argument.

-_«It's not the same… You don't understand. » _Will said, his voice trailing off in the end.

-_« No Will, I don't. So, enlighten me. Because right now, the only thing I see is my best friend hurting himself on purpose. You are fading away Will, and I don't know what to do. I… I…» _Jem couldn't finish, his words getting caught in his throat.

Will couldn't bare seeing his parabatai like this. His perfect plan didn't take into account the fact that losing a parabatai was just about the hardest thing a Shadowhunter could have to go through. He couldn't do this to Jem. The only person who deserved the pain was himself. But what could he do know? It's not like he could just go back to the way things where before. Now that he had tasted the blissful lightness that came with the hunger, he could not simply go back to feeling miserable all the time. As Jem didn't look like he was going to let this go any time soon, the only other option he saw was to explain everything to Jem. It was not his favorite plan but, maybe if he understood, he would let Will carry on with what he is doing.

So, just like that, Will went into his story, without leaving any stone unturned. Jem sensed that it was important for him to listen and not interrupt, even when he had a million things to say. He wanted to reassure his friend, let him know that the curse couldn't be true, that everyone in the institute loved him, that he was sorry he had suffered alone for so long, but he didn't say anything. He sat there and listened, starting to understand the odd behaviors of his parabatai.

Will talked without looking at his friend. He recited his story, eyes closed, hoping against hope that Jem would understand, that he would keep his secret and let him do as he intended. When he was finished, he didn't dare look up. He just laid still, not daring to look at his friend, too afraid to find something in his eyes that would mean he didn't understand, that he taught he was crazy, that he didn't want anything else to do with him, since he had put his life in danger from the moment they had meet.

-_«Will..? Will, look at me. Please…» _Jem said, carefully.

Will kept his eyes closed.

-_«Will, I am so sorry. » _Was all Jem could bring himself to say.

At this, Will opened his eyes.

-_«__** You**__, are sorry? No. You've got it all wrong. Jem, __**you, **__have nothing to be sorry for. Didn't you just listen to what I just said? I am a curse on you all. If I wasn't so selfish, I would never have burdened you with my presence. »_

-_« No Will. I am sorry that we ever lead you to believe we didn't love you. I am your parabatai. I could sense that something was off with you, but I never asked and never pushed the issue, telling myself that you would ask for help if you needed it, and that the absence of demands meant that you were doing just fine. Now I realize that I have let it get to far. And for that I am sorry. Will, if this curse is supposed to kill anyone who loves you, I should have been dead long ago. Have you ever stopped to consider that you might have been fooled? » _Jem asked, careful not to make his friend feel worse.

Will couldn't speak. Had his entire life been a lie? Did he push everyone away for nothing? Did he hurt the ones that were kind to him only because of coincidences and lies? Now that he taught of it, it made sense. A demon so close to death couldn't possibly have put a curse so great on a young Shadowhunter.

With these realizations downing on him, Will did something he hadn't done since the night he first got to the institute. He cried, hard.

Jem slipped in beside him. Holding him tight, trying to ground his hurt parabatai. They stayed like that for a long time. Jem, waiting for his friend's tears to stopped before starting the dreaded but needed conversation.

When Will finally relaxed, Jem started again.

-_« Now, Will, will you start eating again? »_

**_I hope you enjoyed! Please leave a review! I love writing this story, but I haven't received a lot of feed back. I will only post the next chapter if I get reviews and I see that some people enjoy it! _**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Hey! So, I really wanted to end this story before my semester started, so here we are. I know it is short, but it's the best I can do right know ;) **_

_**I might come back and add a few chapters, but it is it for now. Hope you enjoy!**_

_**As always, trigger warning for eating disorder.**_

_**I do not own Infernal devices. **_

\- _« Now, Will, will you start eating again? »_

There was a pause. Will really had to think about his answer.

\- _« I…I…I don't think I can…» _Will answered, his voice so low it was barely a whisper.

\- _«Will… You have to. You can't go on much longer as you are now. You get that, don't you? » _Jem said, not wanting to sound patronizing, but feeling like his friend wasn't thinking straight anymore.

\- _« Yes, I get that. I am not a child Jem. What I am trying to say is, I don't think I can just get back to normal. After so long of numbing all of my feelings with hunger, I am not ready to just let that security go. »_Will replied, clearly ashamed of what he was saying. He was supposed to be the strongest, fiercest Shadowhunter of his generation, and here he was, getting defeated by the taught of _eating._

\- _«I am not asking you to act as if nothing happened. All I am asking is for you to try. I ask you to let me help you. To not push me away again. To not close yourself off. I am not saying it is going to be easy, but I am asking you to do it anyway. You are stronger than you think Will, and I am always going to be by your side to remind you of this. » _Jem said, choosing his words carefully.

\- _«I… OK…» _Was all Will could say.

And with that, Will gave all his trust to Jem. Don't get me wrong, the road to recovery was never easy. There was a lot of tears, a lot of fights. Will taught Jem was going overboard at times with the amounts he wanted him to ingest. Jem would always be unbelievably patient. He would argue, explain himself, remind Will of why he was doing this, all of this with a voice filled with love and just enough authority at times. Eventually, without him really noticing, Will found himself starting to enjoy his meals with Jem. He stopped dreading everyone of them, stopped hating everything that went in his mouth. After a while, he was healthy enough to start training again. This was the push he needed to finally get back to the young man he once was. He wasn't the same, how could he be? But he was wiser, happier. He loved feeling strong. He loved the feeling of control he now had, because he now realized that he was never in control before. His disorder had all the control. But that time was gone. The voice was still there, edging him to throw food away, or to say that he simply wasn't hungry, but Jem was always there to bring him back on track.

It was now five years since that awful night, when Jem had found his best friend laying unconscious on the floor. But it was now nothing more than a memory. The man that was fighting besides him was the strongest, fastest, best Shadowhunter of his generation. He was the head of the London institute, having taken over Charlotte's position when she was appointed consul in Idris. Jem was the only one who knew that he had demons to battle inside his head, but he was getting so good at it, that even Jem forgot they existed. Their parabatai bond was stronger than ever, and Jem could feel that Will was doing good. Of course, he was always on the look out for signs of a relapse, but he knew that Will was the happiest he had ever been since the day he first arrived at the institute.

_**And that is it! Let me know what you taught of it!**_


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